


Quarantine and Gay Panic

by TheSongSmith



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas has a lot of feelings, Castiel Needs a Hug (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Needs to Use Actual Words, Dean has a lot of feelings, First Kiss, Gay Panic, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Literal AND emotional quarantine, M/M, Mutual Pining, Profound Bond Gift Exchange: Quarantine & Chill (Supernatural), Supportive Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24791236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSongSmith/pseuds/TheSongSmith
Summary: Entry for the Profound Bond Gift Exchange!Quarantine sucks, especially for a newly-human Castiel and the hunters, who find themselves stuck in the bunker for weeks. But it also forces two idiots to confront their true feelings, so I guess it's not all bad. Goddammit boys, use your big boy words.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 13
Kudos: 133





	1. The Virus

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TFWDuke](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TFWDuke/gifts).



> Hello! So here's my entry for the Profound Bond Gift Exchange: Quarantine and Chill edition! This is a gift for the lovely [weldersmightyb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weldersmightyb%20), and I hope they like it because I had a lot of fun writing it! I intended for it to be short, but it kind of kept growing, and I also intended to add the smut but it turned out way cuter than I planned. I still may add a NSFW future chapter or two if they want one because these boys are adorable ;) Anyway, enjoy!

There were many things that Castiel disliked about being human. The constant demands of his body, for example, were maddening sometimes. If he wasn’t hungry, then he had to use the restroom (which was a whole affair on its own, that he also disliked), or sleep, or fulfill any of a hundred other needs he suddenly had. There was also an ache somewhere in him at all times, which was distracting and made him feel like his vessel- his _body_ , he had to remind himself, because it was no longer a human casing for another being- was always just a few moments from breaking down completely. If he had to choose, though, he would rank the nightmares as the worst part of his new life. The dreams were powerful and terrifying and always lurking in the dark, and as a human who now required sleep to function, there was no way to run from them. The one time he’d tried he’d gone almost delirious, and Dean had forced the admission out of him, sighing heavily when Cas told him that he was trying to keep himself awake to avoid the terror that awaited in his sleep. From that day on, whenever Cas woke from a nightmare, screaming and breathless, Dean was already beside him. It was Dean who pulled him in, holding him tightly and murmuring in his ear until the former angel could breathe again, at which point he’d herd Cas first to the kitchen for a glass of water, and then into Dean’s bed, because the darkness didn’t seem to be able to find him there. Cas was always careful to keep as much space between them as possible. Something about laying next to Dean, listening to the even rise and fall of his breaths was soothing, and he didn’t want to slip up and get kicked out.

While he was less than thrilled about his current predicament, Cas couldn’t say the special care Dean took with him on those nights didn’t make him feel warm inside, in a way he’d never felt before. It was a side of the hunter he’d never seen, all warm eyes and soft words, or at least it was not a side previously directed at him, and he both enjoyed being the focus of Dean’s gentleness, and hated himself for enjoying it so much. Because that was one of the most confusing parts of this new human existence: the emotions. He’d felt things, as an angel, of course. He’d felt doubt, and anger, and pity. Even fear. But none of it prepared him even slightly for the incredible breadth and depth of human emotion. The constant shift and pulse of it under his skin, the mix of opposing feelings...even the sheer _number_ of emotions he could experience at one time, a dizzying cacophony. All of it was beautiful and overwhelming and terrifying, and he'd found that even familiar feelings were magnified tenfold under the lens of humanity. After some research (Sam had taught him to use Google to research his questions after he’d wandered into the kitchen to ask why his penis behaved strangely in the mornings, and both brothers had choked on their breakfast), he’d come to discover that his feelings for Dean were something less than platonic. Though he’d always felt the strength of their bond, nothing had prepared him for the dramatic swoop in his belly when Dean grinned at him, or the warmth that spread from any part of him that Dean had touched fondly. Then, on the heels of that discovery came another, bringing with it the rolling nausea and cold sweat of fear, when he realized there was no way he could ever be honest about his feelings with Dean himself. Dean cared for him, he knew, and sure, the man was all gentle touches and soothing words in the middle of the night when Cas was dizzy with fear and they were alone, but even he couldn’t delude himself into thinking Dean might want anything more than friendship with him. It didn’t matter how much he longed to be able to touch the man without him shifting away, or how many nights he clung on to Dean’s shirt, praying that he wouldn’t pull away so quickly. It didn’t even matter that Cas’ weak, human mind had started to conjure up images of what it might be like if they could laugh and talk and cuddle and kiss uninhibited. Dean’s only interest in him was as a friend. He could live with that. Or at least, that’s what he kept telling himself, when his head got carried away and his heart started beating out strange patterns and attempting to escape from it’s bony, fleshy cage.

He hated being human, in those early weeks. Hated the soft looks of pity the brothers gave him, and the nightmares that exposed his weakness. Hated the pain and the constant barrage of emotion, unchecked by any amount of logic he could muster. But slowly, things began to change. Slowly, he made peace with his new predicament. The dreams eased, and he learned to decipher the confusing mix of feelings inside of him. He even learned some skills, so that he’d feel at least a little useful to the brothers, even without his powers. Sam had been kind enough to teach him what he knew about first aid, so that he could at least help them in some way while they continued to hunt. Dean had even started to teach him some basic fighting skills when they’d realized that Cas’ control over this body was somewhat awkward, now that his actions weren’t informed by extra angelic senses, although these lessons usually ended with the hunter flustered and red in the face for reasons Cas couldn’t quite piece together. Still, overall, he’d started to settle into his new human life, and even, on some level, feel comfortable in it.

That was, at least, until he overheard Dean and Sam talking in the kitchen. He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop, but the worry in their voices made him pause outside the entryway to the kitchen. “This shit is crazy, Sammy,” he heard Dean mutter.

“Tell me about it, dude. I just don’t think it’ll be safe for him. I don’t wanna risk it. It’s probably best for all three of us if we just...stay put.” That was Sam, and the sharp note of anxiety in his voice made Cas frown.

Dean let out a sigh, long and heavy. “You’re probably right...it sucks, but I don’t think we have much of a choice. Does he even _have_ an immune system to fight shit off? Like, at all? Or are angels just, like...germ repellent?”

“I’d imagine he’d at least have resistance to whatever Jimmy was exposed to before, but it’s not like we can even take him to a doctor to find out now. Besides, hunting is gonna be damn near impossible anyway with all the restrictions. We’re better off locking down here.”

And now Cas knew it was him they were discussing, but he still didn’t understand why. Steeling himself, he forced his feet to carry him into the room. Dean looked up, smiling quickly, though there was still too much worry in his eyes. “Hey buddy...listen, we, uh...can we talk to you?”

Cas’ frown deepened, but he took a seat next to Dean and nodded. “I suppose. Is something wrong?”

Sam hesitated, biting his lip. “We’re all okay,” he started slowly. “But there’s...there’s something going on in the world right now that’s...it’s going to change some things.”

A shiver creeped up Cas’ spine, though he couldn’t quite determine why. Still, something about the way Sam was speaking was unsettling. “What’s wrong?”

“There’s this virus,” Dean cut in. “And it’s...it’s killing a lot of people.”

“It’s also not killing a lot of people,” Sam interjected calmly, glaring at Dean for a moment. “There’s lots and lots of people who get it and recover. But it is still dangerous. We don’t want to scare you, but being that you’re human now, this is something that could affect you too.”

Dean nodded. “It’s spreading pretty fast, so...almost everything is getting shut down. Everyone needs to stay at home for a while, to try to keep as many people safe as possible. We just...we don’t know exactly how long we’ll have to stay home for. It’s...not looking great, at the moment.”

Cas nodded slightly, sluggishly working through his racing thoughts. “So...what you’re saying is...this could kill me, now that I’m human.”

“It’s not going to kill you, because you’re not going to get it,” Dean answered confidently. “We’re all just gonna be really careful. Honestly, things won’t be that much different, right? It’s just that we can’t really take cases for a while. We’re all gonna have to stick around here until things settle down. But we’re going to be fine. Nothing’s going to happen to you with us around.”

That night, the nightmares return with a vengeance. But instead of claws, fangs, guns and blades, Cas sees only stark-white hospital rooms, the incessant beep and mechanical whirr of machines, and Dean slipping away from him forever.

* * *

As the days turned to weeks, the isolation seemed to be getting to Dean in ways Cas had never seen before. He often looked up to find the human staring at him, flushed, a confusing mix of emotions clouding his eyes. Often, when he realized Cas had noticed his staring, he quickly abandoned whatever room they were in. He still appeared beside Cas’ bed at night, but was a little more hesitant to touch him, and a little quicker to let go. After their trips to the kitchen for water, he’d started to lead Cas back to his own bed, instead of to Dean’s. And when he did reach out to touch the former angel, more often than not his hand would freeze halfway between them before dropping, an expression of guilt crossing his face. Cas didn’t understand what had happened between them, but it made a sick sort of longing kick up in his stomach, and he didn’t like the sudden distance. He spent days combing through memories, trying to find something, anything, that could explain the human’s odd behavior, but there was nothing he could recall. Out of desperation, he almost considered just cornering Dean and asking him what was wrong, but he knew that would probably make everything worse. Still, it hurt to watch Dean pull away from him, and have no idea how to fix things.

And then one night, Cas once again dreamed of hospital beds, how small and frail Dean looked in them, with tubes and wires protruding in every direction. The lax hand in his grip was cold and pale. _I love you,_ he told the unconscious man in the bed.

_You can’t leave me, Dean._

_Please._

_I love you._

But it was too late.

When Cas jolted upright, there were no warm arms around him, no hushed, soothing words to remind him to breathe, or tell him that everything is okay. The room was empty. The emotions washed through his chest like a tidal wave, fear and grief and loneliness. It was all he could do to curl up in a tight ball as broken, gasping sobs shook his frame, feeling as cold and vacant as the sterile white walls of his dreams.


	2. The Voice

The thing about the voice was, it could be very persuasive. Dean wasn’t quite sure when it’d arrived, but he’d had it as long as he could remember. It wasn’t really a voice, so much as thoughts he didn’t want to have forcing their way into his brain whenever they fucking felt like it. He might be buckets of crazy, but he was pretty sure he wasn’t ‘hearing voices’ levels of crazy. It just made it easier, sometimes, to think of it as a separate being, instead of analyzing why those thoughts were in his head to begin with. Because that was a question he wasn’t sure he wanted to answer. It had a real knack for making him feel like shit, though. And lately, it’d found a new chink in his armor to poke at.

Dean tried very hard (and mostly succeeded, he told himself), to keep himself in check around Cas. The angel was his friend, and he was going through a hard time, with the whole newly-human situation. And it was his job, as the guy’s best friend, to be there for him, wasn’t it? He was concerned, as any good friend would be. And sure, maybe sometimes Dean’s stares lingered a little too long, and maybe his stomach felt a little fluttery when he managed to pull a rare, genuine smile from the weirdo, but that was fine, and  _ normal _ . It was just that Cas had this infuriating habit of making him  _ feel _ things he shouldn’t be feeling. Dean couldn’t even figure out how he managed it, how he could be completely fine hanging out with the guy one minute, and the next Cas would wrinkle his nose adorably, or ask a ridiculous question, or lean into Dean’s touch, and suddenly the hunter couldn’t string a single goddamn sentence together, and his cheeks flamed as he steadfastly reminded himself that Cas was  _ family _ . So what if they shared a bed most nights? That was just to help Cas feel better. What did it matter if he sometimes seemed to sense Cas’ nightmares, even on nights he didn’t make noise? Who cared if he slept better with Cas beside him than he ever had in his life? It didn’t  _ mean  _ anything.

Dean wasn’t gay.

And he didn’t love Cas any more than was strictly appropriate. The proper amount of platonic feelings a bro could have for another bro is all that was going on between them, thank you very much.

And if that sneaky fucker in his chest didn’t always agree with that, it wasn’t too hard to shove it back into its proper place.

At least, it hadn’t been, before all this quarantine bullshit. Because when things started getting weird, he could throw himself into a project, or a hunt, or an activity, and soon enough everything would be normal again. He could go on a supply run, or tinker around in the garage for a while until his stupid goddamn brain got its shit together enough to be around the angel again. But now there was nowhere to  _ go _ that seemed far enough to reset his stupid feelings.

And the voice was having an absolute field day. Because sometimes, he was almost convinced that maybe his idiot feelings could be onto something. That maybe Cas might actually be cool with what Dean sometimes thought he maybe, sort of, might want. And just when he was starting to work up the courage to consider it, there was the voice.

_ Why would he want anything to do with something as pathetic as you? _

_ You don’t deserve him. _

_ Everyone knows you’re too broken. _

Okay, maybe the voice hurt a little bit more than Dean would like to admit. But it wasn’t wrong. He might be missing his mojo, but Cas was an  _ angel _ for fuck’s sake. And Dean was...well, he was Dean. He was...messy, and broken, and...probably lucky that Cas was even willing to be around him at all. Even if he could, maybe, possibly be sort of into Cas, there was no way the angel would ever want to be anything more, not in a million years. The voice was right. It was better for everyone if he just pretended like those feelings didn’t exist.

Except, it was a little bit harder to do that right now. Because Cas was  _ always _ around, and he knew all of Dean’s hiding spots in the bunker already. So Dean had to settle for the next best thing, which was to not give his stupid brain any reasons to get all weird about things. That meant no touching unless it was strictly necessary, and trying his damndest to stay busy, preferably in rooms where the angel wasn’t.

It barely helped. And yeah, he felt like an asshole about it. Cas had only been human for a few months, and now this big, scary thing was happening, something that could hurt him, and Dean knew the angel was only so clingy because he was freaked out. If Dean was better, he’d suck it up and get himself under control so he could be there for him. But he just couldn’t. So instead, he built walls between them. Don’t worry, the voice made sure he knew what a cowardly dick he was being for that too.

He woke up in the middle of the night, again, then heard the yell from down the hall. Half of him was ready to run down there and pull the angel into his arms. But the other half wanted to run as far away as possible. The two sides warred for a few long minutes.

_ He’s better off without you. _

“He needs me,” Dean told the voice. “I’m supposed to be there helping him.”

_ Why? _ It asked.  _ So you can play house and pretend there’s a snowball’s chance in hell that he’d love you? _

That one stung. But Cas was still his friend, and after another few moments of indecision, he walked quietly down the hall to the angel’s room. He paused to listen for movement, and his heart broke even further when he realized Cas was crying, great big heaving sobs. Decision made, he opened the door quietly and carefully sat down at the edge of the bed. “Cas? Hey, it’s alright,” he murmured, just barely resisting the urge to reach out for him. “You’re okay, it was just a dream.”

The angel sniffed, curling up a little tighter. “Y-You can’t l-leave me...please...”

Dean frowned at that. “Leave? I’m not going anywhere. We’re under quarantine, remember?”

Cas let out a little scoff at that. “Is th-that the only reason?”

Dean immediately felt like an even bigger asshole for implying that, if it wasn’t for the current state of the world, he might just take off.  _ Is he wrong? _ The voice asked unhelpfully before he shoved it aside. “No, of course not. I...we’re family,” he said finally. “I’m not leaving you, okay? I’m right here.”

After another long moment, Cas turned his tearful gaze on the hunter. “Are you angry with me?”

“Angry?” Dean asked, puzzled. “Of course not. Why would you think that?”

He shrugged, staring down at the blanket. “Y-You weren’t here...You don’t w-want me in your b-bed anymore...and you can b-barely stand to be in the same room with me lately...you w-won’t even t-touch me...”

Dean sighed heavily, shaking his head. Yeah, he’d been trying to put some distance between them, but he never meant to hurt Cas. “Listen, buddy...I’m sorry. You’re right, I’ve been a dick lately. But it’s nothing you did, I just...I don’t know, I think this whole quarantine thing is just getting to me, and obviously I’ve been...pretty shitty at handling it. I didn’t mean to make you think I didn’t like you or something. I just... come ‘ere...” He held out his arms, and Cas dove into him, burying his face in Dean’s chest. Dean hoped the shuddering breath Cas took was enough to cover the shake in his own inhale. Still, the persistent ache in his chest had eased a little bit, so that was something. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’ll try to deal with my shit better.”

Cas sighed softly, nuzzling against him. “I’m sure it’s been just as stressful for you as it has been for me. Probably more since you’ve had to take care of me...”

“Well, that’s what we do for each other, right? Besides, you’re still kinda new at this whole human thing. And being cranky isn’t an excuse to be an asshole to you, so I’m sorry. I should still be here for you when you need me.” Cas hummed, and Dean bit his lip, trying to will his brain to keep it together. “Come on, let’s get you cleaned up, and then you’re coming into my room.”

Cas hesitated for a moment, peeking up at him. “Are you sure?”

_ No. _

“Yeah, ‘course. Come on.” They stopped off at the bathroom so Cas could wash the tearstains off his face (a task which, Dean reminded himself, Cas does NOT need help with, so he should keep his hands to himself god dammit), then climbed into Dean’s bed.

The angel hummed happily as Dean settled the blanket over him, snuggling up and burying his face in Dean’s pillow, and fuck if that wasn’t the cutest thing he’d ever seen. The angel was still shivering, though, and as many times as Dean told himself to stay on his own goddamn side of the bed, he couldn’t leave the little weirdo like that. After a few minutes of cursing himself, he turned over. Cas had his back to the hunter, curled up in a tight little ball. It was sort of pathetic, in an endearing way, and before he could remind himself that that wasn’t a thought bros should have about other bros, he was already scooting over to fit himself along Cas’ back, throwing an arm over his side and pulling the angel into his chest. Cas stiffened for a moment, then immediately relaxed into him, purring happily. Dean only barely resisted the strange urge to kiss the angel’s head.

_ Son of a bitch. _

It was gonna be a long night.


	3. The Plan

They didn’t talk about it in the morning, when Cas woke up with Dean still curled up around him. And sure, maybe he’d pretended to be asleep for a few extra minutes to keep the moment going, but Dean hadn’t moved either, and that had to count for something. Still, even if they didn’t talk about it, Dean made good on his promise to stop pulling away from the angel so much. He still blushed and stared and occasionally bolted from the room, but it was better. As quarantine wore on, though, Cas thought it might be getting to him too, because he’d started to seriously consider telling Dean about his feelings. Most of him knew that it was probably crazy, that Dean would probably never want to be around him again if he came right out and said it, but the other part of him felt a little guilty for enjoying his presence as much as he did. And a very small piece of his mind thought that it could be just slightly possible that Dean would be receptive. Still, it was too big a risk, especially with them all trapped inside together. But maybe there was something he could do to test Dean’s response, without having to come clean.

He found Sam in the library, surrounded by stacks of books. The younger Winchester’s preferred quarantine activity was to reorganize and catalogue them, and he was making some sort of spreadsheet on his computer. He glanced up when Cas entered, giving him a small smile. “Hey, Cas. What’s up?”

Cas hesitated for a moment, biting his lip. “I was...wondering if I could ask you about something?” he said finally. “It’s not about my penis this time, I promise.”

Sam flushed and cleared his throat, but nodded. “Right...uh, yeah, go ahead.”

“You’ve had...romantic relations with other humans before, right?”

Sam paled slightly, a little line forming between his eyebrows. “Cas...listen if this is about, like...sex stuff, I think you’re probably better off using google like I showed you...”

Cas shook his head. “No, no, I’m not asking about sex. I’m asking about...the other parts. Like...kissing.”

One of Sam’s eyebrows quirked. “Okay...is there...any particular reason you’re asking me about kissing?”

“It’s something I never quite...understood...and now that I’m human I’d...I’d like to learn more about what human lives are like. If it makes you uncomfortable you don’t have to answer.”

Sam sighed, shaking his head. “No, that’s fine, I’m happy to help however I can. What did you want to know?”

Cas bit his lip for a moment, considering how to phrase his question. “I suppose I’m just wondering...on TV, it seems that people just...know they want to be in a relationship, and then they are. But no one ever comes out and says ‘hello, I find you attractive and would like to engage in a relationship with you’. How can they just know? How does someone initiate a romantic relationship if they don’t talk about it?”

Sam smiled softly, considering him for a long moment. “Well, it’s...you’re right, humans don’t usually come out and just...say it like that. It’s a little more...subtle. It’s more about getting close to someone. Not, uh, physically, I just mean...you get to know them really well, and you start to notice things about them, and you both give off these...kind of signals. Body language. It isn’t on purpose, mostly, but if the person you’re interested in gives off certain kinds of signals, then they might be interested in you too. And then you ask them out on a date and see if they say yes. Like, out to dinner, or drinks. The kissing thing usually happens after that. But not always. It doesn’t really matter too much when the kissing happens, as long as the other person definitely wants to kiss you too.”

Cas nodded thoughtfully. “I see...what kind of...signals might someone have if they wanted a relationship with you?”

“Well, it’s small stuff, like...if they kinda lean in towards you, or smile a lot when they talk to you...they might make a lot of eye contact, or sit closer than normal, or maybe they kind of brush by and touch you a lot...not in a creepy way. Some people touch their hair a lot too. There’s a bunch of little stuff like that. It’s not stuff they do on purpose, it’s just how humans react when they feel that way.”

Cas nodded. Dean had been doing several of those behaviors more often lately. The staring had definitely been more persistent, and Dean did seem to be reaching out to touch him more often, even if most of the time he seemed to realize what he was doing and pull back before he actually completed the action. Now that Cas thought about it, he was also running a hand through his hair more often when Cas managed to catch his gaze. Still, it wasn’t enough evidence to feel confident enough in his assessment to tell Dean the truth.

“Thank you Sam,” he smiled. “That was very helpful. I think I understand much better now.”

Sam nodded, his expression amused. “No problem...you sure you’re doing okay?”

Cas nodded. “Yes, thank you. I’ll let you know if I have any more questions.”

Now, at least, he had a plan. He could do a bit more research on his own, and then he could start giving out some signals of his own, and see how the hunter responded. It wasn’t perfect, but at least it might give him a better idea of whether or not he was completely insane.

He decided to begin his experiment that night. He started slowly, leaning very slightly toward Dean at the dinner table as he was talking about some old hunt they’d gone on before Cas had been around. He expected the hunter to shift away, but he didn’t. Then, while clearing plates, he’d let their shoulders brush slightly. Dean’s head snapped up, his cheeks pink, but Cas just smiled, and after a moment the human relaxed. That had to be a good sign, right? Dean moved over to the sink to start on the dishes, and Cas hesitated for a moment. He took a deep breath to steady himself, then walked over, touching Dean’s shoulder lightly as he set another dirty pot down on the counter. “Here, Dean.”

The hunter jolted slightly in surprise, and when he looked up he was flushed to the tips of his ears. But he was smiling. It was only for a second, before he’d schooled his expression into something more neutral, cleared his throat and mumbled a “Thanks, Cas...” but it was there.

So maybe Cas wasn’t crazy after all. Maybe there was a chance that Dean wanted this too. Cas nodded, then reached a hand up, brushing it through Dean’s hair lightly. “You had a fuzz,” he explained in response to Dean’s puzzled and vaguely alarmed look. He couldn’t help but smile, though. Because the hunter had, just for a moment, leaned into the touch. Cas had to turn away then before he blurted out the thoughts in his head while Dean was still standing there, his expression a mix of happiness and terror. He knew Dean well enough to know that, just because some part of him might want those things too, it didn’t mean that he wouldn’t bolt the second Cas started talking about his feelings. This was going to take time, and patience. Luckily for them, Cas seemed to have enough of both at the moment. But at least, for the first time in a very long time, Cas was hopeful.

Dean stayed frozen in place at the sink for another long moment before clearing his throat. “I, uh...I’m just going to...go...do something,” he managed, before fleeing the room.

Cas hummed to himself quietly as he finished putting the dishes away. So, Dean was scared, that much was evident. But Cas could work with that. After all, they were in quarantine. He had nothing but time.

* * *

A few hours later, when Dean still hadn’t returned, Cas started to worry. He’d meant to push a little bit, but he didn’t intend to upset the man. He finally found him sitting underneath the large table in the library, clutching a mostly-empty bottle of whiskey. The smell of alcohol hit him as he wandered closer, peeking under the table. “Dean?”

“Angel!” Dean greeted cheerfully, brandishing the bottle. “What’re you doin’ here?”

The slur in his words was enough to tell Cas that Dean was probably responsible for the empty space in the bottle, but he didn’t seem unhappy, exactly. “I was looking for you. Why are you under the table?”

Dean looked around for a moment, as if he hadn’t quite realized where he was before Cas had mentioned it, then shrugged. “‘S too bright up there. ‘Sides, it’s comfy down here. I jus’ was thinkin’, and then I had a drink, an’...well, might’ve had a few drinks, actually...an’ now ‘m not thinkin’ anymore!”

Cas considered him for a moment, then held out a hand. “It’s late, Dean. We should get you to bed.”

To his surprise, Dean took his hand immediately, clumsily climbing out from his hiding space and just barely avoiding smacking his head on the table. “‘Kay, whatev’r you say, Mist’r Spock...”

It didn’t feel right, to be so close when Dean wasn’t thinking clearly, but he was swaying dangerously on his feet, and in the end Cas had no choice but to wrap an arm around his waist to lead him out of the library. The way the hunter leaned into him kicked up a strange ache in his chest that he tried not to think about. Dean babbled about nothing in particular on the way, until Cas carefully set him down on the edge of his bed. “I’m going to go get you a washcloth. Don’t move,” he ordered, nearly laughing as Dean gave him a sloppy salute and a wide grin. To his surprise, Dean had actually listened, and was sitting in place right where he’d left him when Cas returned with a cloth and basin of warm water. “You smell like a bar,” Cas commented as he carefully wiped the sweat and spilled whiskey from Dean’s face, and tried steadfastly to ignore the way he was leaning into Cas’ hands. “Would you like to tell me what you were thinking about that drove you to drown yourself in alcohol?”

“Thinkin’ ‘bout those pretty blue eyes ‘f his,” Dean slurred, rubbing at his eyes. “He’s always lookin’ so goddamn adorable...I mean, where’s he get the right...”

Cas frowned. “Where does... _ who _ get the right?” he asked carefully.

Dean scoffed. “Cas! ‘S not fair, not even a lil’ bit...”

And right then, Cas knew he shouldn’t do this. He should go get Sam, excuse himself from this situation, and he definitely should not keep asking questions. Because it seemed that, at some point between when he’d sat Dean down and when he’d returned with the washcloth, Dean had completely forgotten who he was talking to. It wasn’t right, to pry when Dean had no idea what he was doing. But the next question was out of his mouth before he could stop it. “Why isn’t it fair, Dean?”

“‘Cause!” the human answered indignantly. “He’s all cute an’ weird and funny...an’ I jus’ wanna grab his face and kiss ‘im so bad...but I can’t! And then that...that voice starts up all it’s  _ bullshit _ again, an’ the whiskey’s the only way to get that fucker to shut up...”

Cas swallowed hard, trying to focus on the task at hand to keep himself in check while he processed Dean’s words. Upon closer inspection, he finds a large wet patch on the front of Dean’s shirt where the whiskey soaked through the fabric, and he knows he has to get it off if he doesn’t want the hunter to wake up in a sticky mess tomorrow. “What voice?”

“The one in ‘ere,” Dean answered, narrowly avoiding poking himself in the eye as he pointed to his head. “He’s a real dick.”

Cas sighed, taking a deep breath to steady himself. “And what does he say?”

Dean huffed. “The truth, mostly...but he’s a lil’ bitch about it...”

“Dean, I have to take off your shirt to clean up this mess, alright?”

Dean just nodded absently, continuing his rant. “Keeps goin’ on an’ on about how I can’t ever deserve ‘im...as if I don’t know already... He doesn’t even like me, anyway!”

Cas bit his lip, wrestling the t-shirt over his head and carefully wiping down his chest, though Dean doesn’t really seem to notice. “Why would you think Cas doesn’t like you?”

“Because!” Dean huffed. “He’s like...basically perfect! An’ his eyes are like...like big pools of...ya know, that...watery stuff...OCEAN! They’re like the ocean, with, like...whales an’ shit...an’ he’s so cute, an’ he keeps touchin’ me, makin’ all this stuff happen in m’stomach...Don’t know why he’d even wanna touch me...”

Cas frowned at that, kneeling down to take off Dean’s shoes. “Why wouldn’t he?”

Dean sighed. “‘Cause, I’m just...’m dirty, ‘n broken...’s gonna make his halo all dingy and gross...” While he talks, he tugs ineffectually at his belt, unable to coordinate his hands long enough to pull the end of the belt and pop the prong out of the hole.

“Here, let me help,” Cas said softly, gently moving his hands away and opening the buckle, frowning at Dean’s pained expression. “Dean, I don’t understand. Why would you think that you’re broken, or dirty?”

Dean frowned at that, managing to shove his own pants off and onto the floor. “‘Cause...’cause dad was right...’m just...a disgusting, weak, useless, broken thing...an’ Cas...he deserves so much better than me...be crazy for wantin’ me...”

Cas felt his heart break as he carefully guided Dean into bed, pulling the covers up over him. This whole time, he’d thought Dean just hadn’t wanted him. He’d never imagined that the real problem was how Dean felt about himself. “That’s what the voice tells you?”

“’s right,” Dean nodded sadly. “I’m...jus’ messed up...don’t deserve an angel...”

“He isn’t an angel anymore,” Cas pointed out. “So I’m not sure that’s still a concern...”

“Yeah, well ‘s still MY angel,” Dean huffed, flopping onto his belly and hugging a pillow to his chest.

Cas sighed, unable to stop himself from rubbing Dean’s back lightly. “Well, if it helps at all, I don’t think that Cas thinks those things about you at all...I think Cas loves you very much.”

“Well, he shouldn’t!” Dean argued, hugging the pillow tighter. Cas realized belatedly that it was the one he’d slept on the night before. It’s quiet for a long moment, and Cas thought Dean may have passed out, but then he spoke up again. “I used to pray for God to send me an angel, back when I was a kid,” Dean murmured. “An’ he finally did...an’ now all I wanna do is sleep with ‘im...How fucked up ‘s that?”

Cas bit his lip. “Is that...the only thing you want to do with him?”

Dean paused for a moment, as if he hadn’t considered that before. “I...no,” he sighed finally. “Wanna...hold ‘im, an’ kiss ‘im...an’ buy, like...throw pillows an’ shit...but the sleeping with ‘im part’s the only part I’d be any good at...”

A little flame of hope sprung up in Cas’ chest. “Well, in that case...maybe that’s just your first instinct because that’s...the only way you really know how to show that kind of affection?”

Dean hummed, shrugging slightly. “Maybe...doesn’t matter, still can’t have ‘im...”

“Maybe you could,” Cas said softly, biting his lip.

He got up to tidy up the dirty clothes on the floor, but the moment his hand left Dean’s back the hunter whimpered, looking back over his shoulder. “Don’ want you to go...”

Cas smiled softly, squeezing his hand lightly. “I’m just going to go clean up. I’ll be back in a few minutes, alright? I promise.”

Dean nodded slightly, so Cas picked up the dirty clothes, then went to the bathroom. He returned with a glass of water and two pills, which he set on the nightstand, and also the small plastic garbage can, which he set down next to Dean’s side of the bed. Dean’s eyes were closed, but when Cas crawled into bed behind him he stirred. “Y’re back,” he mumbled groggily.

“I promised I would be,” he answered, hesitating for a moment before tugging Dean against him. The hunter melted into him, purring happily at the hand that carded through his hair. “I’m not going anywhere, Dean,” he promised. “Get some rest.”


	4. The Fallout

When Dean finally stirred the next morning, it was with a weak groan, and he pulled out of Cas’ arms to lean over the side of the bed, vomiting into the trash can. Cas got up quietly, picking up the glass and pills from the nightstand and pressing them into Dean’s hand when he seemed to be finished. Dean startled, frowning as he took them. “Cas? What’re you doing here?”

Cas hesitated, biting his lip. “I’m going to go make some breakfast.” He quickly slipped out of the room, washing up and pacing around the kitchen for a few minutes before settling on the only breakfast food he knew how to cook. The first batch of pancakes was almost finished when Sam wandered in.

“Morning,” he smiled, starting the coffee machine. “You okay?”

Cas nodded. “Yes. Dean was very drunk last night. He may be...not in the best mood this morning.”

Sam nodded. “Well, in that case, I might just take my breakfast to go and steer clear of him...you need any help?”

Cas smiled, shaking his head. “No, that’s alright. I think I have it under control.” Cas was just finishing another batch of pancakes when Dean finally emerged. Cas swallowed hard, putting a cup of coffee down for him. “Good morning, Dean. I hope pancakes are okay.”

Dean took a sip from the mug, humming happily. “Yeah, thanks...sorry about last night...I’m sure it wasn’t pretty, considering the size of the headache I have this morning. I’m guessing it was you who stripped me? Sammy usually doesn’t bother.”

Cas shrugged, setting a plate down in front of him. “It’s okay...I would have left you alone, but you’d spilled quite a bit of whiskey down your shirt, and I didn’t want to get it all over the sheets. You took the pants off yourself, I promise I didn’t do anything inappropriate.”

“I didn’t suspect you did, but I appreciate it,” Dean snorted, happily taking a few bites of his pancakes. Cas watched him, wondering whether or not he should bring up what happened. After a few moments through, Dean’s expression soured, and he seemed deep in thought. “Hey, I, uh...I didn’t...say anything last night, right?”

Cas blushed, hesitating for a moment. “You said many things...”

Dean frowned. “But...nothing weird, right? I mean, about...about you, or me, or whatever?”

“You...said many things,” Cas said again, biting his lip.

Dean groaned, clutching at his head. “Fuck...no, no, that was a dream, that can’t be real...”

“Dean,” Cas murmured, taking a deep breath. “It’s okay, I...I’m not upset. Actually I...”

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Dean mumbled, shaking his head. “I shouldn’t have...I was just...I was just drunk, it didn’t mean anything, okay? I didn’t mean to say stuff like that...”

Cas frowned, reaching out for him and trying not to be hurt when Dean jerked away. “Dean, really, It’s alright...”

The hunter shook his head again, staring hard at the floor. “I...I need to go,” he mumbled, before fleeing down the hall. Cas let out a shaky breath, leaning over the table and burying his face in his arms as hot tears pricked at the backs of his eyes. He couldn’t help but flinch at the sound of the bedroom door slamming.

* * *

Sam found him there some time later, gently laying a hand on the angel’s shoulder. “Cas? Hey, you alright?”

Cas shook his head, a soft sob escaping him as he lifted red, puffy eyes from the table. “I-I don’t believe I am...”

Sam frowned, but nodded. He glanced down the hall for a moment, then sighed. “Alright, come with me.” Cas frowned in confusion, but nodded, letting Sam guide him past Dean’s closed door to the younger Winchester’s bedroom. He sat down, staring miserably at the floor. “Can you tell me what happened?” Sam asked softly.

Cas sniffled, shrugging slightly. “Dean was...very drunk last night...and he...started talking...”

Sam nodded slightly. “Did he...say something to upset you?”

“He...I guess he forgot that it was me he was talking to...and he...he said that he...had feelings for me. Romantic feelings. And this morning he remembered what he said.”

The tips of his ears went red, but Sam nodded. “Oh...well that’s...I never thought he’d actually say that out loud.” Cas stared at him for a moment, puzzled. “I’m just saying, it’s not like he’s good at hiding how much he cares about you, but he’s not really a ‘talking about my feelings’ kinda guy...but Cas, he wouldn’t do anything you weren’t okay with. I’m sure he won’t mention it again.”

Cas sighed, shaking his head. “That’s the problem. I...he ran off before I could tell him that...I have feelings for him too. He said...it didn’t mean anything, because he was drunk...”

Sam sighed softly, squeezing Cas’ shoulder lightly. “Oh... _ oh _ ...Cas...hey, listen. Just because he said it doesn’t matter doesn’t mean he’s telling the truth. Dean is crazy about you, he has been for years! He’s just...I think he’s scared. He doesn’t really do the whole ‘falling in love’ thing, and the few times he has...well, things didn’t end so well. You’re important to him, and he’s afraid if he tells you how he feels, he’ll lose you. He thinks he doesn’t deserve a happy ending.”

“So you...you think he really does love me?” Cas asked cautiously.

Sam chuckled. “You really didn’t know? I was pretty sure anyone with eyes in a twenty foot radius of you two could tell. Look, I know it may not seem like it, but Dean’s kind of a sensitive guy, deep down. Don’t tell him I said that, he’ll kill me. The point is, he’s probably freaking out in there thinking that you’re going to hate him or something. You two need to talk and work this out. You’ll both be happier in the end if you’re just honest.”

Cas sighed, nodding. “I suppose you’re right...I thought he’d never want to see me again if I told him I loved him. I thought I was protecting us both, and now...he’s hurting, because I wasn’t honest about how I felt.” He paused, peeking up at Sam. “This isn’t...strange for you?”

“It’s not like I didn’t see it coming,” Sam snorted. “Honestly, it’s kind of a relief. Besides, you’re my friend, and Dean is my brother. I want you both to be happy. And Cas? Don’t beat yourself up about it, okay? You’ve both made some mistakes, but...that doesn’t mean they can’t be fixed. Just talk to him. He’s not gonna like it, but he’s gonna have to suck it up and do it anyway. I’m sure things will work out.”

Cas nodded, smiling. “Thank you Sam. I’ll talk to him.”

It was the sound of shattered glass that had Cas moving down the hall toward Dean’s door. As he got closer, it was the wheezing breaths that had him running.


	5. The Happy Ending

When there was no answer to his knocking, Cas opened the bedroom door, surprised to find the room empty. “Dean...?” he called. There was a soft gasp, and It only took a few seconds to pin the location of the sound to the bathroom, the door slightly open. When he peeked inside, Cas froze. Dean was there, pale and shaky on the floor, surrounded by broken shards of what had once been the bathroom mirror. After a moment he registered the blood covering Dean’s knuckles and running down his arm. “Dean...” he sighed, starting forward, only to freeze when Dean jerked back.

“D-Don’t!” he managed, hugging his knees tighter. “Cas, y-you...you shouldn’t be here!”

Cas took a breath, clearing jagged glass from a section of flooring before slowly kneeling down in front of him. “Dean, I know that you’re upset, but I need you to listen to me. Everything is okay. I’m not leaving you in this state. We need to talk, but first you need to calm down.”

Dean shook his head hard, refusing to look at him. “I-I shouldn’t’ve...I can’t believe I s-said...Y-You should go.”

“No,” Cas said softly. “Regardless of what was or wasn’t said, I’m your friend, and right now you seem very distressed. I’m not going to leave you, and I don’t care how much you don’t like accepting help, because you need it. Let me help.” Dean looked away, but didn’t argue, too busy trying to wrestle his shaky, strained breathing back under control. The lack of resistance was alarming, and Cas looked around, considering the mirror for a moment. “Was it the voice again?” he asked. Dean’s head snapped up at that, and he frowned. “You told me about it last night...about the things it says to you,” Cas explained. “Is that why you’re so upset?”

Dean hesitated for a moment, staring at the floor. “It...it wouldn’t stop,” he mumbled finally. “I-I just...wanted it to stop...”

Cas nodded, slowly scooting closer. “I can imagine that would be difficult. But it’s lying to you, Dean. I don’t hate you, and I don’t think you’re any of the things it tells you you are. I love you, Dean. it’s okay.”

Dean flinched at the words, squeezing his eyes shut. “Y-You can’t just...say stuff like that,” he choked out. “Not when you d-don’t...mean it like that...”

Cas sighed, considering him for a moment. As much as he wanted to tell Dean that he very much did mean it like that, he probably wouldn’t be as receptive to it while he was still so distressed. “We can talk about that later,” Cas said instead. “But what I need to know now is, do you trust me?”

Dean startled at the question, frowning. “W-What?”

“Do you trust me, Dean?” he repeated. Dean swallowed, biting his lip, then nodded. “Alright then,” Cas said, slowly reaching out and tugging Dean against him. “Let me help.”

The hunter froze for a long moment, then hesitantly pressed closer, slowly relaxing against him. Cas smiled, rubbing his back lightly as Dean settled, his breaths coming easier against the former angel’s shoulder. After a few quiet minutes, a sigh escaped him, and Dean pulled back, his face red. “I, uh...sorry about that...”

Cas shrugged. “No need to apologize. You’ve done the same for me many times. Are you feeling better?”

Dean blushed harder, staring down at the floor. “Yeah, a little bit...thanks...”

“I’m glad,” Cas replied. “Well, in that case, let’s take care of your hand, and then we can talk. And before you protest, I’m not asking.”

Dean’s mouth snapped shut at that, bewildered, but he allowed Cas to take his injured hand and examine it. Cas hummed thoughtfully, pulling out one of the Winchester’s first aid kids. “What did the mirror do wrong?” he asked curiously. Dean just shrugged, watching him cautiously. “Well,” Cas said, carefully checking the wound for broken glass, “Whatever it was, I think you’ve taught it a lesson.”

Dean’s lips twitched up slightly at that, though his posture was still defensive. “Yeah, well...it didn’t put up much of a fight...”

Cas chuckled, gently cleaning the blood from his hand. “I see.” He adjusted the bandages once more before glancing back up. Dean’s expression was still a chaotic mix of confusion and embarrassment, and somewhere under that there was an edge of fear. It was a strange look on the hunter, and so far from the usual brash confidence Cas was used to. Still, he wasn’t pulling away anymore, so Cas considered that a small victory. He packed away the first aid kit, then stood and offered Dean a hand, smiling when the hunter took it after a moment.

“Thanks,” Dean mumbled, motioning to his bandaged hand. “For, uh...you know...”

Cas nodded. “Of course, Dean. Thank you for letting me help.”

Dean nodded slightly, watching him cautiously for a long minute. “Why...why would you still want to help me, after I was such an asshole to you?” he asked suddenly.

Cas frowned at that. “You’ve always helped me when I needed you.”

“Not always,” Dean murmured. “Not even...close to always. I’ve treated you like crap plenty of times, but...you’re still here, still trying to take care of me. I don’t get it.”

“Alright, maybe not always,” Cas conceded. “But you have been far kinder to me than most. And besides that...I’ll always want to help you. I always have. I love you, Dean.”

Dean stiffened at the words and shook his head slightly, rubbing at the back of his neck with his good hand. “You...You can’t love me, Cas. Not like that.”

“I don’t see why not,” Cas said quietly.

Dean frowned at that, looking around, as if some invisible audience might back him up. “You don’t...Because, Cas, I...I’m not gay!” he shouted, verging on hysterical. “YOU’RE not gay! Wait, are you gay?”

Cas hummed, shrugging slightly. “I’ve never really considered it,” he answered.

Dean stared at him, his mouth opening and closing several times before something came out. “You...you’ve never...considered it?”

The former angel shook his head. “It didn’t seem important. I’ve only ever felt this way about one person. Of course, it did take me a while to figure out that what I felt was love...”

The hunter nodded slightly, staring at him for another moment before grabbing onto Cas’ arm hard, dragging him back into his bedroom. The door shut heavily behind them, and Dean started pacing the floor. “Okay,” he said finally. “Okay. I’m gonna ask this one time. Look, you keep saying you love me, but...there’s a lot of ways to love someone, Cas, and I...I can’t...I need to know what you mean, when you say that.”

Cas considered him for a moment, frowning at the fear he could still see peeking out from behind the stoic mask. He supposed he could try to explain what it felt like, to be so in love with Dean he couldn’t even think straight sometimes, or tell him all the things he’d imagined them doing together. But Dean had never been a man to believe in words. He was a man of action, and there was one thing he could do to show Dean what kind of love he meant.

Dean’s pacing jerked to a stop when he found himself chest to chest with Cas. His thoughts felt like molasses as the former angel’s hand came up to the hunter’s cheek, and then Cas’ lips were on his, soft but insistent, and he hadn’t really processed the strange turn this conversation had taken, but he knew that he was kissing back.

When he needed to breathe again, Cas pulled away just slightly, but couldn’t bring himself to remove the hand that was cradling Dean’s jaw. “Does that clear things up?”

Dean blinked once, twice, then nodded slightly. “Really?” he choked out finally. “You...you love me?”

Cas smiled. “I have always loved you, Dean.”

“But...you shouldn’t,” Dean said.

“And why is that?”

The hunter frowned. “Because, I...I’m just...”

“Broken?” Cas guessed. “Dirty? Weak? I know that’s what you think of yourself. I know you believe you don’t deserve this. But you don’t get to decide what I choose to do. I do. And I choose you, Dean. I have always chosen you. And I always will.”

Dean blushed, but still couldn’t bring himself to shift away from Cas’ warm touch. “But there’s...there’s stuff you don’t know about me. What the voice says...it’s right about me.”

Cas shrugged. “There may be things I don’t know. And maybe one day you’ll be ready to tell me those things. But I know you, Dean. I put you back together myself, once. Just because you think about yourself that way doesn’t mean that I do. And I know enough to know that you are every bit as worthy of love as anyone else. Let me show you that.”

The hunter took a shaky breath, hesitantly meeting his gaze. “You...you really...love me? Like...like kissing and dating, and...all that stuff?”

“Yes, Dean, as long as that’s something you want to do. And if it isn’t, then that’s okay. We can just be friends if that’s all you want. I just...I couldn’t hide it from you anymore.”

Dean nodded slowly, biting his lip. “And what if...what if I might...want those things too?”

Cas smiled, gently tugging him into a hug. “Then that’s even better.”

The hunter sighed softly, pressing closer. “I won’t be any good at this...I never have been. I’m going to be terrible at it. And I’ve never had a...a boyfriend...”

“Neither have I,” Cas pointed out. “We can figure it out together. Do you want to have a boyfriend?”

Dean flushed, but managed to drag his eyes up from the floor. “I...try not to think about what I want,” he admitted. “Usually, as soon as I want something, I lose it.”

“Not this time,” Cas murmured, hugging him tighter. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Are you sure?”

Cas grinned. “We are under quarantine, after all...”

Dean was quiet for a long moment before a laugh burst out of him, and he swatted at Cas’ back lightly. “You asshole...”

Cas chuckled, pulling back slightly, relieved to see that Dean had relaxed somewhat. The hunter blushed, rubbing at the back of his neck. “So, uh...what do we do now?”

“Well...I suppose now we do whatever we want,” Cas answered. “For example, I would really like to kiss you again. Would that be alright?”

Dean flushed pink all the way to the tips of his ears, but nodded, leaning in when Cas’ hand rose to his jaw again. The kiss was slower, less desperate than the first one, and Dean melted into it, shifting cautiously to wrap his arms around Cas’ neck. He couldn’t help but smile when they finally separated, looking more shy than the angel had ever seen him. “I, uh...I’ve kinda been...thinking about doing that for a while,” he admitted in response to Cas’ curious look.

Cas chuckled. “So have I. I hope it lived up to your expectations.”

“Yeah, yeah, no, it was...it was good,” Dean managed, biting his lip. “Could...could I, uh...?”

“Whenever you want,” Cas confirmed, smiling as Dean tugged him closer by the collar.

The hunter grinned, then paused. “This is...for real, right? You’re not like...Gabriel fucking with me, or...oh God, is this one of those Djinn hallucinations?”

“No,” Cas laughed, resting their foreheads together. “This is real. Though I’m flattered to know that you’ve wanted this so much you think it  _ could _ be a Djinn hallucination.”

“Of course I have,” Dean answered, flushing. “I mean, have you  _ seen  _ yourself?” He paused again, and the nerves returned to his expression. “We’re gonna have to tell Sammy about this, huh?”

Cas nodded, taking his hand and tugging him over to the bed. “That would probably be wise. He does live here. But he already knows.”

Dean frowned at that, slowly sitting down beside him. “What do you mean he already knows?”

“This morning, after you told me that what you’d said yesterday didn’t mean anything, I was...a bit upset. Sam found me, and we talked, and...he told me he believed that you really did love me, and that you were just scared to tell me that. And I told him that I love you too. He didn’t seem upset about it.”

“Really?” Dean asked. “He was just...cool with it?”

Cas shrugged, leaning back against the pillows and tugging Dean along with him. “He said that he cares about us both, and just wants us to be happy. He encouraged me to come find you and tell you how I really felt, so yes, I think he’ll be okay. But we don’t have to tell him right this minute. We don’t have to do anything you don’t feel comfortable with.” Dean nodded, looking a little reassured, at least. He leaned up on one elbow, looking Cas over for a moment before his hand came up, hesitating just before it made contact with the former angel. Cas smiled. “You can touch me, Dean. I’m okay with that.”

The hunter blushed, nodding and letting his hand settle over Cas’ ribs. “Right...yeah, I just...it’s kinda weird that this is really happening... I don’t want to mess it up. I really do, uh...you know...feel that way, about you...”

Cas chuckled. “It’s strange for me too. But you won’t mess it up. Not any more than I will, at least. That’s okay. We’ll figure it out together.”

Dean nodded, watching him for a long moment before leaning in to kiss him softly. Cas smiled against him, pressing closer and wrapping an arm around Dean’s waist.

It was surreal, after all these years, to be allowed this close, to touch the hunter freely without fear. For a long time, Cas had been certain it would never happen. And though Dean still seemed cautious, he was quickly settling, letting his hands roam over Cas more freely. When he pulled back, they were both slightly out of breath. Dean watched him for a moment, biting his lip. “Hey, I, uh...I know I’m usually a ‘jump-into-bed-immediately’ kinda guy, but...maybe we could...you know, take things...a little slower?”

He looked almost embarrassed to be asking, which, Cas thought, was a very strange look on a man he’d come to know as confident and self-assured. “That sounds like a good idea. I think we could both use time to get used to this. Is this okay? If we just stick to touching and kissing for now?”

Dean nodded quickly, letting out a breath. “Yeah, yeah, that’s good, I...I like that part, I just...sorry, I think I’m still...processing.”

Cas smiled, kissing his forehead lightly. “You don’t have to be sorry, Dean. I’ve waited nearly a decade to tell you that I love you. And besides, this is a new thing for both of us. I’m perfectly happy taking things slowly.”

Dean flushed, shrugging. “Well, yeah, but I...I know I’m not usually like that, and I...I don’t want you to be...disappointed, or whatever...”

The former angel laughed softly, stroking Dean’s hair lightly. “Dean, I am not disappointed that you’re not ripping my clothing off. That has never been the end goal for me. I never even thought I’d get to be this close to you without making you uncomfortable. Not to mention that my only sexual experience thus far ended in me being stabbed to death, so I’d say this is infinitely preferable. I’m happy.”

Dean hummed, looking up at him. “Really? You’re happy?”

Cas chuckled, nodding. “I’m very happy. Are you happy?”

Dean smiled, pressing closer and letting his head fall to Cas’ chest. “Yeah, I’m happy. It’s weird.”

“I think you’ll get used to it,” Cas murmured, hugging him closer.

The hunter nodded thoughtfully. “Hey Cas?”

“Hmm?”

“I...I love you too. Just so you know.”

Cas grinned. “I know.”

“That’s supposed to be my line,” Dean huffed.

“Is it?” Cas teased lightly.

Dean snorted, nuzzling against him. “Alright, fine, but in front of Sam I get to be the Han Solo in this relationship.”

“Deal.”

* * *

When they finally pulled themselves out of bed, it was for food, and Dean refused to release Cas’ hand, for reasons he didn't feel like worrying about right now. Sam was at the map table, reading some old, dusty book. He glanced up when Dean froze in the doorway, still clutching Cas’ hand desperately. “Hey guys.”

Dean took a deep, steadying breath. He could do this. Besides, according to Cas Sam already knew, and he didn’t seem like he hated Dean yet. He could do it. All he had to do was just say words.

“Cas is my boyfriend,” he blurted out.

Sam paused for a moment, his eyebrows knitting together in concern, before he nodded. “Cool. How do you feel about making pizza tonight? I found a recipe for pizza dough, and I don’t think it looks that hard. It might be a fun project.”

The response was so unexpected that Dean thought maybe he should try again. “I’m not gay,” he said. “I don’t think.” Okay, that was definitely worse.

Sam’s eyebrows went up this time, and a hint of amusement crossed his features. “I don’t remember asking, but...okay. So, pizza?”

“Pizza sounds great, Sam,” Cas answered, kissing Dean’s cheek lightly. “What do you need us to do?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really pleased with how this one turned out. I hope you are too! and Weldersmightyb, I hope you liked it!
> 
> For those of you wondering, ProfoundBond is a group of Destiel creators, and they're really awesome. I've found a lot of support and awesome people over there, so if you're over 18 come check them out on Discord! https://discord.gg/profoundbond
> 
> You can also come chat with me on Tumblr, @TheSongSmithTumbles, and now on TWITTER! @TheSongSmithSPN. I'm nice, I promise! Come love me!


End file.
